I don't understand people, I don't understand it at all. It is hard to say you love someone, it is hard to say you hate someone. I wish everything was easier, well, perhaps it is easier for some. I always try not to hurt anyone, including myself. That's why, it is hard for me to say no to others and impossible to say I can't, to myself. I have problem with letting go stuff. I have problem with accepting that things change, people change.

I have always followed my dreams and tried to achieve some of them once I had the power to achieve them. That's why I enjoy eating a burger alone at home watching some stupid show on TV when I am really happy. That silly thing was my dream all along since I was a child. That's also why I bought all those silly toys, beyblades, RC cars, helicopters etc. I couldn't afford them back then, now I buy them. But also the love, I always wanted that I would have someone that I can trust and be in love with. I always dreamt that we would be the cute and passionette couple together. I dreamt that people would envy us and we would never ever never hurt each other.

Perhaps it is me that who is responsible for not having such relationship. I always wanted the perfect person for me and I never accepted the fact that no one is perfect. I know that because if it was possible, I would do everything to be perfect myself, but it's not. And I know that it is not fair for me to ask someone to be perfect while I am not. That's why I didn't ask that from anyone, but I just stayed away from anyone who is not perfect, that ended up being me staying away from everyone.

I realized I have the self-confidence when it comes to work and daily life, because I know that we are all human at the end and nothing bad happens if I screw up a few things, I can fix all that later and that's where my confidence comes from. However, in terms of relationships, even though I seem to be over-confident with foreigners, I still can't ask a Turkish girl out. Don't get me wrong, not that I am willing to do that, but it's just that I can't do it and that bothers me a lot. It is probably because I am afraid of being judged. I am afraid of being seen as one of those guys that hit on every girl they see. I am not one of these guys and I don't want to seem like one of them.

All in all, maybe it is time for me to accept the fact that not everyone needs a relationship, or even deserves one. I personally believe that intentionally or not, I have hurt some people and I didn't have any right to do so. My grandpa always said that, we shouldn't break anyone's heart because there's no master that can fix that. I have broken a lot of hearts, and almost regretted none of them but now it's me whose heart has been broken. I keep blaming my past, I keep blaming that one person for all my mistakes and saying that it was her who didn't love me and broke my heart but maybe I should accept the fact that it was me who didn't love me in the first place.

Now I am aware of myself and I am aware of my surroundings, my friends, my family, my values and my life. I accept everything as it is and I think I should stop looking for someone. All my life I have been looking for someone that existed only in dreams and perhaps that's why I didn't have any luck finding that person. Now it's time that I give up from that dream. It is okay that I give up from a dream, it's just one, rest I can achieve with time. The only thing that makes me sad is that I could love someone so much, I could give everything I have and try to make them the happiest person on the planet. Sadly, people always keep score and maybe it is good that I didn't find someone. Because now I feel like it would be waste of my energy and time. Imagining that I love someone so much but they are just making plans in their mind and not trusting me at all. That's also why I like the foreigners. Although most probably they also calculate such stuff in their minds, it feels to me that they don't. Maybe it is because of the language barrier, or maybe it is something cultural, or maybe, just maybe, they also feel like me so they also don't keep score to foreigners. All in all, I have to get my mind together and give up from my dream. 

I hope that one day I really will find someone that I love and that I can trust and that person loves me back the way I love them too. However, I know the chances for such emotional connection is low. So, it is better that this time I be realistic too and forget about my teenage girl dream :) Maybe it will be more valuable to me when (if ever) I find someone like that when I wasn't expecting it. Until then, this is going to be my last message here and I'll be giving up from my dream. 

A new chapter begins in my life, and I am excited for that.